BecBlog

2003-08-09T22:02:00.000-07:00

Move along, nothing to see
Our broadband provider has changed ownership once again. As always, the change comes complete with a change of email address. What's worse, our old user name isn't available with the new provider, so the idiots elected to choose a new one on our behalf... and the best substitute they could come up with is a staggering 21 characters long. This is especially problematic given that the new email address is based on the user name. Daunted by the prospect of all of that typing, I finally got annoyed enough to get a domain of my very own. Well, okay, it technically belongs to both the ball and chain and I. I have already created 5 email accounts. I am mad with power.

Next, I decided to move my blog.

After many weeks of hardcore procrastinating, I've gotten the new blog set up. I even gave it a new look. Check it out here.

I said check it out. Now. Go on.

2003-06-30T15:56:00.000-07:00

No, I take it back...
THIS is what I call an image. Dave Barry considers it further proof that the end is nigh. I have to say, it doesn't look good for the home team.

2003-06-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

Pigeons...
...is there anything they can't do?

2003-06-18T19:22:00.000-07:00

Now THIS is what I call an image!
Can you figure out what the story is about?

2003-06-18T11:33:00.000-07:00

Well, yeah. Unless that's why they crashed...
From Two Small Planes Collide Over Florida... At least two people were feared dead.

2003-06-13T17:44:00.000-07:00

Desperate punctuation shortage at The Associated Press
ABCNEWS.COM June 13 -- A desperate shortage of punctuation marks at The Associated Press resulted in careful rationing in the article headlined Beloved N.Y. Bra Lady Dies at 95. Conservation efforts included the following...

Several periods: Koch, who died Thursday, had been hospitalized since last week, when she fell and broke her hip at the Town Shop, whose threshold she first crossed in 1927, when she married Henry Koch and his lingerie business.

One comma, and possibly a period for good measure: But last year, after national news stories appeared about an old woman who still found a reason to believe in life, in work and in the importance of a bra that fits she suddenly became famous.

Two parentheses: She went to his successful business there were four stores then to handle his account.

One semicolon: "I always liked people. No sales pressure that we don't allow," she said.

According to a highly placed source at The Associated Press, the punctuation shortage was a temporary problem that has since been addressed. ".,:;.,(:;)...," added one contact, who asked not to be identified, "!!!".

2003-06-12T16:24:00.000-07:00

But how does God feel about capris?
Swazi king blames women's trousers for world's ills. Such a short article, so many fabulous quotes.
"The Bible says curse be unto a woman who wears pants, and those who wear their husband's clothes."... Mswati.
"What rights?"... Mswati.
"The king says I am the cause of the world's problems because of my outfit. Never mind terrorism, government corruption, poverty and disease, it's me and my pants. I reject that,"... Thob'sile Dlamini.

2003-06-12T16:13:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought it was safe...
... to read news on the internet.
"Primative" spelling bid fails at CNN

Also check out this latest from the crack graphics team at CNN...

2003-06-05T15:24:00.000-07:00

Maybe it was the sushi...
My stomach is making some really weird noises. Not grumbling. Think more along the lines of the big blue opera singer from The Fifth Element.

2003-06-03T16:07:00.000-07:00

Save the local news?!?
Local News & Culture May Fade Away
Okay, I can sort of see the point about providing venues for local music... it's the reason I can't stand Blockbuster Music. But preserving local news programs? Has this guy ever lived in a small town? Out of the handful of times I tuned in for our crack Urbana news team, I remember...
... the time that the blonde anchor said "Oh, shit!" on the air because she lost her place.
... the time that the local sports reporter stood in front of the UI track and started his report with a sheepish grin, "We wanted to broadcast in front of the track because the Olympic track events started today, except that it's actually happening tomorrow."
... the 15-20 minute report on the barn fire that had happened much earlier in the day. No people. No animals. Just a barn. This riveting segment ended with the classic line, "Apparently, the barn was full of hay, which fed the fire."

Local TV news in larger venues like San Jose or Houston ("Marvin Zindler, Eye Witness News", anyone?) manages to be just as useless with even less comedy. I don't know anybody who actually watches it. And I'm not quite convinced that it rates as a "cultural" element that needs to be preserved.

2003-06-03T15:43:00.000-07:00

Dude, today I found the biggest fish EVER!
Polar Bear Chews on Submarine

"Rear rudders of U.S. submarines aren't designed as snacks, but [the bear] had to find this out for himself," Gray said. I'm guessing [the bear] could not be reached for comment.

2003-05-19T16:19:00.000-07:00

Who says...
librarians don't have a sense of humor? The director of the Great Falls Public Library has the perfect name suggestions for the ducklings that were found in the library plaza. The names? 598.41, 598.42, 598.43 and so on, which (of course!) correspond to where the duck books are found.

2003-05-12T13:15:00.000-07:00

When geeks snap...
Klingon Interpreter Sought for Patients

2003-05-09T15:01:00.000-07:00

Oof
Gotta love running into stuff like this...


	if ( -1 == lo )

		lo = 0;

	else

		lo = lo++;

The intent, of course, is to INCREMENT THE DAMN LO VARIABLE (not the weird step function that is actually happening). This has been thoughtfully copied and pasted so that it resides in 5 different locations in the source. Sigh.

2003-05-06T16:02:00.000-07:00

The adulation, the money, the women...
There's a new Terry Tate: Office Linebacker ad.

2003-05-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

What a strange, strange weekend it's been
It's Saturday night. You and your spouse are at home watching TV because you're old and married and, well, lame. Suddenly, you hear a strange noise from the other side of the house. You look around in confusion. Did somebody leave a radio on? You get up to investigate.

Is that? No, it can't be. A trumpet? TWO trumpets? Your investigation leads you to the back door. You open it and timidly peek outside. You can just see the top of a tent erected in the back yard of your next door neighbor. It's a square beige tent of the sort that is usually rented for outdoor weddings. And it is housing... a LIVE MARIACHI BAND! Doo doo too di di too di di too di! Ole!

It's a good thing Pav talked Dave into getting the larger speakers, or the festive music might have interfered with us watching...

The Ring
Some movies try to scare you by showing you scary things. Other movies try to scare you by only hinting at the scary things, and letting you fill in the details. The latter are particularly effective on people who have overactive imaginations. I have an overactive imagination. I am also a big chicken. This movie scared the bejeezus out of me.

Without giving anything away that's not in all of the trailers, I can say that there is a Big Creepy Video of Death in this movie. It is full of images that really aren't that disturbing when viewed individually. When viewed together in the context of the movie, the images of the Big Creepy Video of Death become very, very scary (refer to above comment about my being a big chicken). One of these seemingly innocuous images is of a woman brushing her hair in front of an oval mirror. This is really unfortunate. Our bathroom has oval mirrors. I am a woman. I have hair. As a consequence of all of these facts, I am now vaguely afraid to groom myself, especially if it is dark outside and I am alone in the house.

It's a good thing that our house doesn't contain wooden ladders, wooden chairs, or horses. It's also a good thing that the Big Creepy Video of Death doesn't include any sinister, haunting images of mariachi bands.

2003-04-29T17:44:00.000-07:00

Worst song?
So Jack has gotten all riled up about Four Non-Blondes "What's Up". I agree with many of his points, but I'm not quite willing to endorse it as the Worst Song Ever.

To fairly judge a bad song, one needs to evaluate it in a number of categories. Bad vocals. Melodies that are, at the same time, gut-wrenchingly bad and persistent enough to stick with you like a rash. Laughable lyrics. Enough popularity to get lots of airtime. Critical acclaim, since there's nothing worse than having a bad song touted as representative of your generation. While What's Up definitely has the vocals and the lyrics categories wrapped up, it has a fairly catchy melody. Also, to my knowledge, nobody takes this song seriously, so it never manages to escape its "harmless" designation.

I have another candidate to offer. Dave Matthews' Band's Space Between. I'm not convinced that it actually merits the "Worst Song Ever" title... there is a lot of competition out there. I just want to present my analysis.

Bad vocals & melodies: The main hook (the spaaaace between) occurs 8 times in the lyrics below, but it seems like more while listening. There is a good sized jump up from "the" to "space". There is another good sized jump down from "space" to "between". I'm not sure whether that top note is actually off-key, or whether the lead's voice is just strained to the breaking point by making the leap to his upper register, but the effect is decidedly unpleasant. It makes my neck tense up. It makes my skull vibrate. It makes my teeth hurt.

Popularity & acclaim: This got constant radio play when it came out. DMB has some catchy tunes (although this isn't one of them), but people really seem to take them seriously. Almost as seriously as the band takes itself. I don't understand why.

Lyrics: Some of them are okay. But others... well, maybe I should go line by line.

You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me

Okay, there's nothing wrong with that line that couldn't be fixed by adding yet a few more prepositional phrases. There's no hope in you for me between us for the future about our relationship with the talking and the fighting and the singing. Oh, but we wish we could quit you so quickly, as there is, in fact, no hope for you.

No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

Why would I squeeze you a corner? To make corner juice? You got all the time? From where?

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more

Okay this one is actually catchy. I'm guessing this is where the idea for the song originated.

The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Ah, yes. Have to keep those wicked lies safe from the pain. Nothing worse than an aching lie.

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

These fickle, fuddled words confuse me, too. I'm interpreting this section as "Do I still have to pretend to be interested in what you're saying, or can we make out already?"

We're strange allies
With warring hearts

Okay.

What wild-eyed beast you be

What?

The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Again with the lie pain. Maybe we should found the SPCWL. (That's the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Wicked Lies, of course.)

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Not likely.

Actually, what happened to that second line? Did he suddenly realize that he was only supposed to sing it once? Or was it directed at somebody's secretary on the phone? What?

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster

Roller coasters don't spin. But I suppose "The madness of a Mad Hatter's Tea Cup" doesn't really have the same ring to it.

You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

Okay lyrics, but I'm starting to hope the ship does goes down before I have to hear that hook again. Oh, God, here it comes.

The Space Between

Gah!

Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get to go

The space between where you're smiling high. Is that referring to the gap between somebody's teeth? And the singer will be there if he gets to go. Huh.

The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you

Suddenly wishing everybody had better aim.

The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Hey! That last line makes a lot more sense than the one where we were trying to keep the lies safe from pain. Why didn't he just sing that before?

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here

This verse apparenly came from some other song. What are they going to walk out of? The fighting? The lies? The bullets? The gap in the teeth?

Love is all we need here

Now where have I heard that line? It sounds so familiar.

The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you

He'll be lurking in a big blob of moral ambiguity. Like a stalker who's got good intentions. Sure he's invading your privacy, but he'll be able to call 911 if you trip and hit your head in the shower.

The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...

Ah, if we could only fill that space with distance. And maybe earplugs.

2003-04-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
DUCK!

2003-04-28T16:16:00.000-07:00

I can bring home the uranium, fry it up in a pan...
It's nice to see there are some fields in which Arab women are allowed to get ahead.

2003-04-24T16:12:00.000-07:00

(Don't) stop the presses!
Hold the Button, for those who find Progress Quest too complicated. Now if I can just weigh down the duct tape enough to keep that button depressed...

2003-04-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

More on the Honda Accord ad
It is all real. Apparently, it took 606 takes to get all the car bits to march in step.

2003-04-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

Math humor
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologist: "They have reproduced".
The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

2003-04-18T11:33:00.000-07:00

I love the bit with the windshield wipers
Very cool Honda Accord ad

2003-04-17T12:55:00.000-07:00

Pfft
Studies Suggest Men Handle Pain Better

"So 81 folks agreed to stick their hand in a bucket of swirling ice water to see how long they could stand the pain. Some were offered $1 to keep it in the near-freezing water for five minutes, others $20, so the researchers could determine if a higher reward made any difference than the lesser, which amounted to just a nickel for every 15 seconds."

They found that the extra $19 made a big difference in whether or not men were willing to leave their hands in the water, whereas it didn't make a difference to the women. From this, they concluded that men really did have a higher tolerance to pain, and weren't just being macho about it. I think their conclusions are absurd. I've seen men do incredibly stupid stuff for money. Eat an entire glob of wasabi. Drink hot sauce (in Texas, not California). Stick 8 quarters up each nostril (seriously). Drop their pants in front of complete strangers. Drop their pants in front of people that weren't complete strangers. I don't see why ice water should be any different. Men are just weird.

2003-04-14T17:11:00.000-07:00

If you grab us, do we not slither?
The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA) in Australia shows unbelievable species discrimination in bestowing an award on this little girl who "rescued" her kitten from a python. Why aren't they looking out for the python? Isn't he an animal? This little girl lures him in with a fluffy little snack and then attacks him without warning. Sounds like cruelty to me.

2003-04-11T17:06:00.000-07:00

Gasp!
Hiring design firm: $15k
Buying ad space: $25k
Promoting your city as a travel destination: Priceless

2003-04-11T16:32:00.000-07:00

Kneel before EGTRRA!
I love reading Dave Barry's columns. I always start by trying to guess the subject matter from the Cassatt & Brookins graphic at the top. I am always wrong. But I am always amused.
This time they really outdid themselves.

2003-04-10T18:25:00.000-07:00

You'll shoot your eye out!

And to think, my parents wouldn't let me have a skateboard because they thought it was too dangerous.

2003-04-07T14:52:00.000-07:00

Latest from the California Milk Processor Board
This is what happens when you let them take cookies into the cockpit: Got milk?
Seriously, though, hope nobody was hurt too badly...

2003-04-04T15:21:00.000-08:00

I'm not making this up
According to eXTReme Tracking, the last 20 searchengine queries that people used to get to my blog include the following...

weird people you age to fast
"return to sender" coffin
Kate Bosworth naked
hooters girls
rudi bakhtiar
Vin Diesel, yell really loud
banana extinct cnn
Marvin Herndon maverick
4 of 5 dentist trident ads fly

I would just like to take this opportunity to apologize to all of the people who come to this blog and find their Vin Herndon banana extinction needs unmet.

2003-04-03T16:56:00.000-08:00

A phobia is born
I am now officially afraid of calamari. "This is a very aggressive animal and moves quickly. If you fell in the water next to it you would be in big trouble."

2003-03-31T18:53:00.000-08:00

Great business card...
In this article about the "science" of The Core, the authors mention that Marvin Herndon, who consulted on the movie, is "considered a maverick geophysicist". (I assume the maverick status explains how the sun's rays manage to vaporize the Golden Gate Bridge but leave cars intact. But I digress.)

I think that Maverick Geophysicist would make an AWESOME business card title. Right up there with Rogue Demon Hunter.

Or maybe it should become a new NBC drama: "Marvin Herndon: Maverick Geophysicist".

2003-03-26T11:48:00.000-08:00

From the mouths of puppies
Apparently, Takara's dog translation device is coming to the U.S. in August (after being helpfully translated from Japanese to English). The device incorporates a wireless microphone that attaches to a dog collar and a handheld that interprets each "woof, yip, or whine" into one of six emotional states: happiness, sadness, frustration, anger, assertion and desire. The emotional states are then turned into helpful phrases like "You're ticking me off".

Personally, I'd like to see this idea expanded upon. First, it seems like certain dog breeds really require custom devices. These custom devices would enable the use of a different phrase selection to represent the accurate range of emotional states of the breed. It would also make it possible to use cast an appropriate voice actor.

Cocker Spaniel
Emotional states: excited happiness, excited desire, and sleep. Extra processing might be required to differentiate between the two conscious emotional states, represented by the phrases "OhMyGoshI'mSoExcitedBecauseYouWereGoneForFiveMinutesButNowYouAreBackSoI'mGoingToPeeOnTheCarpet!!!" and "OhMyGoshI'mSoExcitedBecauseYouMightGiveMeSomeOfThatJerkySoI'mGoingToPeeOnTheCarpet!!!"

Rottweiler
Emotional states: all of the usual plus "hungry for the taste of human flesh". This last state should have representative phrases like "Wanna see if I can make it scream like a little girl?" and "Don't worry, boss, I'll be sure to drag it outside before it gets too much blood on the carpet."

Tokara claims they don't have any plans to manufacture a device for cats or other pets, but I think this is a missed opportunity.

Cat
Emotional states: Disdain and pique. Phrases could include "I hate you", "Go away", "Keep rubbing, you worthless human slave", "Feed me, you worthless human slave"

Fish
Emotional states: Wet. There aren't many phrases that spring to mind, but I think "Mmm. Food" and "I'm swimming" seem appropriate.

2003-03-21T15:28:00.000-08:00

Pucker up
This one is listed under the Nuclear Blast section. It's supposed to indicate that you should have an evacuation plan. But those white lines look like streets. So this image seems to suggest that you should have a plan to escape a nuclear blast that happens about half a block away. A nuclear blast. Half a block away. Nuclear. Blast. Block.

This graphic is salvagable with just a little careful editing.
"LOCATION OF BLAST" should be changed to "LOCATION OF BLAST"
"You are here" should be changed to "You are here"
"POSSIBLE ESCAPE ROUTE" should be changed to "KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE"

2003-03-21T14:40:00.000-08:00

Here's another
OH MY GOD, THEY HIT THE SHINER BREWERY!!!

2003-03-21T14:31:00.000-08:00

If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud
The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has published a web site full of instructions for how to Be Ready for any manner of terrorist attacks. The instructions are illustrated with the same sort of images you might see in a plane emergency card... take for example this icon used in the First Aid Kit section:

The first aid kit example is pretty clear. Others are less so. In response, one thoughtful individual has taken it upon himself to attach some appropriate captions to some of the more ambiguous images found on the site. As a sort of public service. In the interest of education. Really.

(Thanks to Susan for sending this my way.)

2003-03-20T13:50:00.000-08:00

From Ruben to Clay? From Clay to Ruben?
I have to agree with the old ball and chain about Ruben and Clay being the obvious choices to win American Idol. I'm having a little trouble, though, picturing them doing the tender love song in the obligatory American Idol movie.

Granted, I thought Kelly and Justin wouldn't make a believable couple, either...

2003-03-14T11:05:00.000-08:00

Stating the obvious
Actual headline from ABCNews.com's NewsFlash page... Suicide Attack Kills Bomber

2003-03-13T13:39:00.000-08:00

Pitter patter
The ABCNews.com article Ancient Human Footprints Found at Volcano lists an alternative headline: Ancient Human Footprints Reveal Traces of Short People in a Hurry.

My ancestors, from the sound of it.

2003-03-11T17:08:00.000-08:00

You betcha
Actual betting opportunity found on BETonSPORTS.com:
What will Saddams fate be by 06/30/03?
He will still be the president of Iraq(mantain control of Baghdad) +300
He will be a US Prisoner +175
He will be dead EV
He will be MIA +150
He will be a political exile +300
He will be Smoking Cubans with buddy boy Muammar Qadhafi +500
He will travel to Calcutta and take up Mother Theresa's Torch +15000
He will Join the Backstreet Boys and tour with Elton John +15000
Violent Aliens will arrive on earth and claim him as a citizen of planet Zerg +15000

(For those of you not in the know, a positive number indicates the amount you would win if you bet $100 and a negative number indicates the amount you would have to bet in order to win $100. I had to look it up. I still have the provincial view that odds should be expressed as a ratio. Silly me.)

My money's on the Zergians. Other lines allow you to bet on whether or not Elvis is alive, who the next Pope will be, and whether the U.S. Embassy in Pakistan will be subject to a terrorist attack within the next year.

2003-03-11T11:49:00.000-08:00

Sign of the apocalypse?
Hooters Air: Every flight will feature two "Hooters Girls" in snug T-shirts and orange short-shorts who are there to "just be friendly"
It seems a little unfair. You'd think they could partner with Chippendales or something...

2003-03-06T16:58:00.000-08:00

Misspeaking can be a familiar ache, as well
Lower Back Pain a Familiar Ache
Dr. Joel Press is quoted as saying the following: "The majority of back problems will be resolved with some simple treatments, or, in some cases, more advanced treatments."

To be fair, this sentence would make sense if the point were that the majority of back problems would, in fact, be resolved. Unfortunately, I don't think that was the intent of the statement...

2003-03-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

Egad!
The Horror of Blimps.

Link stolen shamelessly off of Greg Morrow's blog, who stole it off of someone else's blog, who stole it off of someone else's blog, and so on, and so on. What can I say, it's so funny it made me cry.

2003-02-28T16:50:00.000-08:00

Like a virgin...
Paper says soldiers' singing will create 'mortal terror'
Apparently, the author has never seen American Idol. If we can take Keith (not for the faint of heart), we can take North Korea's army.

2003-02-27T18:49:00.000-08:00

Remains of the day
My grandfather used to say that he wanted to be cremated and spread on the ice so "some poor damn fool won't slip". It seems today there are a number of creative alternatives available to the discerning future crematee. One rather pricey option is to have your remains turned into up to 100 "certified, high-quality diamonds". I may just be perverse, but I like the idea of being able to creep out and unsettle lots of friends and relatives after I go. One addition that I would like to see... diamonds made from targeted body parts. Wouldn't it be cool to wear a ring made from somebody's ring finger? And think of the implications for the estate... "And to my beloved nephew Jimmy, I leave my car, my LP collection, and my left leg."

On a side note, I think it's terribly funny that the headline is listed on ABCNews under the heading "Entertainment".

2003-02-20T18:21:00.000-08:00

Is it just me?
NASA Flip-Flops in Columbia Investigation
Does this headline make anybody else wonder what effect a stray sandal would have on the heat shielding?

Along the same lines, this headline from last week's Onion made me chuckle:
Texan Unable To Trick NASA Into Hauling Old Washing Machine Off Lawn.

2003-02-06T20:21:00.000-08:00

Blech!
Buttered Popcorn flavored Jelly Bellies are an abomination.
They almost make Jelly Bellies not worth the risk.

2003-02-04T11:04:00.000-08:00

Japandering
Japander:n.,& v.t. 1. a western star who uses his or her fame to make large sums of money in a short time by advertising products in Japan that they would probably never use. ~er (see synecure, prostitute) 2. to make an ass of oneself in Japanese media.

Check out many of these asses on Japander.com. Some of the biggest and best asses were Nicolas Cage and Arnold Schwarzenegger (especially the latter's Arinamin V ads).

Funny quote from Sylvester Stallone's page: Sylvester Stallone - synonymous with ham in Japan.
Amusingly, he's synonymous with ham in the States as well.

2003-01-30T16:34:00.000-08:00

Just in time...
for my 30th birthday. From Study: Exercise Keeps the Brain Sharp...
Gray matter is home to the neurons that are so important to learning and memory. White matter is sort of the brain's Internet, with fibers that send signals throughout the brain. Scientists have known for years that these tissues begin to shrink at about the age of 30 in a pattern that closely matches declines in cognitive performances, says Kramer, leader of the research team.

Wait. What was I saying?

2003-01-29T17:58:00.000-08:00

Weird
Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird.

2003-01-29T12:26:00.000-08:00

Abracapiano!
From Powell may take U.S. intelligence to U.N. at CNN.com...
"Stevenson had a much easier task, I think," Powell said. "All he had to prove was that there were Russian missiles in Cuba, and viola, there were Russian missiles in Cuba"
As "voila" seems more likely to be misspelled than mispronounced, I'm assuming the error occurred in CNN's domain. Maybe somebody should ask the Secretary of State to please refrain from using words that are "all complicated and French".

2003-01-27T12:40:00.000-08:00

Superbowl ads
As usual, I Tivoed the Superbowl this year so that I could fast forward through the game and watch the commercials. I have my priorities in order. If you weren't quite so clever, you can see most of the ads on AOL. If you've ever wondered why the 5th dentist didn't recommend Trident, check out this ad. The big winner this year, though, was the Terry Tate: Office Linebacker spot. If you enjoy that, you should check out the extended and alternate versions at Reebok.

2003-01-17T17:13:00.000-08:00

Duckmaster
The Peabody Hotel in Memphis is looking for a new Duckmaster. This might just be the new career you're looking for. (Unless, by some outrageous coincidence, you already are a duckmaster.)

Actually, I can't hear "duckmaster" without thinking of that awful Marc Singer movie. Except that instead of
The courage of an eagle, the strength of a panther and the power of a God!
it would be
The courage of a duck, the strength of a duck, and the power of... say it with me... a Duck!
The big DM could command vast armies of waterfowl, or just go into that goofy trance and scan the landscape in DuckCam mode.

Now that's Hollywood gold. Virtually guaranteed to make millions at the box office.

2003-01-17T17:00:00.000-08:00

Yes, we have no
Expert: Bananas could disappear in 10 years
From this article we can glean several important facts, each more alarming than the last.
1. The banana hasn't had sex in years.
2. The banana lacks genetic diversity and could go extinct.
3. There is an International Network for the Improvement of Banana and Plantain.
4. It's in France.
5. It's headed by a man named Frison, which (according to Babelfish) means "clippings" in French.

2003-01-15T19:11:00.000-08:00

Party atmosphere?
Drunken birds fly into windows
Now, when they start covering themselves in shaving cream and leaving body prints, we'll really know something's up.

2003-01-15T19:03:00.000-08:00

Is it just me?
Or does this look like it's going to end badly?

(from Snowmobilers enjoy last unrestricted winter)

2003-01-15T18:46:00.000-08:00

Only for pandas 6 years and up
Panda porn to cure bedtime blues
Finally, Gigi had something to supplement the issues of Playpanda he had hidden under his bed.

2003-01-13T17:31:00.000-08:00

<plug>
Inserting a link to my Mom's exceedingly plaid Kindermusik Academy web site in a blatant attempt to get it into Yahoo's database. Move along, nothing to see here.
</plug>

2003-01-07T16:35:00.000-08:00

But... it... what... erg... gah?
Section: CNN's Science & Space headlines
Headline: Family keeps pet eel in bath, for 33 years
Image:

2003-01-07T14:56:00.000-08:00

Ah, there it is.
It was a 4.3 outside Ridgemark, CA. USGS also has a map indicating where people felt it. (Redwood City is a light blue blob halfway between San Jose and San Francisco.)

According to this map we shouldn't have been able to feel it at all.

2003-01-07T14:34:00.000-08:00

Wheeeeeeeee
Anybody else just feel an earthquake?

2003-01-07T13:49:00.000-08:00

Bizarre typo
ABCNews NewsFlash currently includes the following headline... Mr. Blackwell Releases Worsted Dressed List. Presumably they mean worst dressed, not dressed in worsted (which is a fabric made from wool yarn).

Perhaps I'm wrong. I'll be interested to see if they publish a denim dressed list and a chiffon dressed list.

2003-01-07T13:34:00.000-08:00

Next week on Alias...?
ABCNews runs randomized ads alongside their articles. When I opened the article Love Triangle Leads to Ax Attack, I got the following ad.

Doesn't look good for Michael Vaughn. (Amusingly, the poor guy who was attacked by his wife's boyfriend was also named Vaughn.)

2003-01-02T18:43:00.000-08:00

This is puzzling, too
Community bailing out school district includes this picture of a community meeting in Longmont, Colorado. As Colorado State Treasurer Mike Coffman sets up his podium in the back of the room and begins delivering his address to a blank wall, Silver Creek junior Matthew begins to develop a theory about why the school district is in such dire financial condition.

2003-01-02T18:30:00.000-08:00

Migrations, indeed
Wonder what the planet is up to these days? From the crack image editing team at CNN.com come the following helpful visual aids...

This is taken from the article titled Study: Global warming migrations and seems to depict the overheated earth moving to some more temperate region of space, complete with gigantic icebergs.

And this is taken from the article titled College campuses going green, but might be better titled BPOC (Big Planet on Campus). It's not clear whether Earth is actually attending school or whether it's just hanging about in the hopes of picking up cute co-eds at the next fraternity party.

2002-12-30T13:38:00.000-08:00

I'm baaaaaack...
I just flew in from Knoxville last night (and boy, are my arms tired), after spending a lovely Christmas week with the in-laws. Lots of pie, lots of loot, lots of fun.

Now I'm back at work, trying to remember what it is I do for a living.

It's clear to me that I'm not going to be able to get anything of substance done until I've had a chance to catch up on Dave Barry's column, browse the news headlines, and end my nearly-month-long hiatus from blogging. Two down, one to go.

Since I read Dave Barry's 2002 Gift Guide after Christmas, I'm not able to add any of these items to my Christmas list. I do have a birthday coming up pretty soon, though. For instance, we all no there's no better way to celebrate 30 years of life than by arranging one's funeral. And with the theme coffins recommended in Mr. Barry's gift guide, this can be the ultimate personal gift. Personally, I don't think there's a better alternative for me than the "return to sender" coffin. Unless it's to choose a nice high gloss black or chrome coffin and adorn it with these magnetic flame decals, also recommended in the gift guide. Very stylish, although I suppose it does make the wrong sort of statement about the afterlife.

2002-12-02T14:15:00.000-08:00

Hints from Hyatt
Pink muses: How do I have cat hair inside my refrigerator?

Well, Pink, if you can't polish off that cat in one sitting, you should really shave it and wrap it well with plastic wrap before storing the leftovers in the fridge or freezer. It keeps your appliances tidy and staves off freezer burn.

2002-12-01T17:41:00.000-08:00

Oops
Bit of an embarrassing typo for the front page of Amazon.co.uk...
Get 50% off Simon Schama's A History of Britian III, now £12.50.

2002-11-18T13:51:00.000-08:00

It's fun for a girl and a boy...
At long last, the most overhyped piece of technology ever is available to the public. Yes, you can place orders for the Segway Human Transporter. Pick one up today for the low, low price of $4950.

I scoff, but I am enough of a geek to appreciate the fact that this gizmo is self-balancing and to secretly wish I had one to play with. Maybe v2.0. Here's one little tidbit that I hadn't heard before...
Our engineers were so obsessed with the details on the Segway HT that they designed the meshes in the gearbox to produce sound exactly two musical octaves apart--when the Segway HT moves, it makes music, not noise.

All in all, it's still kind of hard to believe that they released it with that acronym.

2002-11-12T18:13:00.000-08:00

And just to answer my own question...
Could they have used the airbrush any more on that ad? Well, yes.

I'm melting, I'm melting...

2002-11-12T15:40:00.000-08:00

Disappointing
I miss the old version. Also, could they have used the airbrush any more on that ad on the right? He's almost unrecognizable!

2002-11-06T18:31:00.000-08:00

What's worse
than experiencing a moment of tremendous stupidity? Having it be picked up on the international news wire. At least they didn't use his name.

Expect to see this added to the California driver's license exam any day now.

2002-11-06T18:27:00.000-08:00

Weird
Terrifica. I wonder if she's acquainted with Handsome Man (who rescues single women when they run into ex-boyfriends).

2002-11-06T18:20:00.000-08:00

Garlic, shallots, and onions, oh my
"A diet rich in garlic, shallots and onions may cut the risk of prostate cancer in half, according to a study."
Sadly, the same diet cuts your chances of having a social life in half as well.

2002-11-01T17:18:00.000-08:00

Health reasons
Proof that attending my Halloween party can be beneficial to your health... Study: Being Social Keeps Mind Sharp

2002-10-24T16:29:00.000-07:00

Boom?
Science building boom at U.S. universities. Sounds like a lab experiment gone wrong.

2002-10-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

Universal suffering
The Canadian Transportation Agency has decided that it's not discriminatory to force obese people to pay for a second seat or an upgrade if they wish to be comfortable. The ruling is based not on the tricky question of whether or not obesity constitutes a disability, but rather on the idea that airplane seats are universally uncomfortable to everyone. It's equal opportunity misery.

2002-10-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

Keyword Haiku
I've written a Perl script to scrape all of the keywords used to get to my blog (available on my Extreme Tracking page) and use them to generate random haikus. The results aren't as spectacular as I had hoped, but I'll publish some of the better ones from time to time.

through accessory
how aquarium strength dance
beefy drunk jason

august furniture
crash precocious through trailer
songs italian scotch

naked girls beefy
tshirts chicago banger
italian whiskey

... and one that I wrote (inspired by random ones)...
for naked movie
match brian internet through
heidik full flash dance

2002-10-18T10:58:00.000-07:00

Great line...
from a radio ad for cable TV: "All the TV you need to keep any home improvement projects at bay."

2002-10-17T18:03:00.000-07:00

File under "Stating the Obvious"
Sniper Profile: Self-Absorbed Loner
Gee, I would have thought a guy who shot and killed random people would be a sociable, generous type.

2002-10-14T17:20:00.000-07:00

Call me Coppertop
Funny, when they use the headline Microsoft's Vision of Tomorrow's Office, I have a different image in mind...

2002-10-14T17:06:00.000-07:00

It's a bird, it's a plane, ...
It turns out this is really about a big distributed database of medical scans, but the headline suggests so many more amusing possibilities... IBM, Oxford Build Mammogram Supercomputer

2002-10-07T17:44:00.000-07:00

Becca's got game?
No One Lives Forever 2. Certainly true of the Russian thug who yelled out "Face me, you coward!" while shooting at me. Trying to be accomodating, I turned toward him. And ran him over with my snowmobile. This game is so much fun.

2002-10-07T17:34:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Zombo.com
All things are possible at Zombo.com. Use headphones.

2002-10-07T17:31:00.000-07:00

Quaoar?
What, is there some sort of shortage on consonants? What's next? Aaaaouee? Ooaaa? U?

2002-10-07T17:26:00.000-07:00

Pluto upgraded to solar system?
There's a new headline on ABCNews.com's newsflash page: Largest Solar System Found Since Pluto. The article itself refers to Quaoar, of course, the largest body found in our solar system since Pluto.

And to think they were talking of downgrading Pluto from "planet" status.

2002-10-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

Hey...
Should I be distraught that I didn't know that flava was slang for style?
I'm so unhip.
Actually, "unhip" is probably really unhip.
Now I'm really depressed.

2002-10-03T18:50:00.000-07:00

CNN Headline News, the dopest news network
Check out this article from the Washington Post about a recent CNN memo.

Props out to my friend Carey for finding this. In the immortal words of Rudi Bakhtiar, "Thanks, homey!".

2002-09-29T18:02:00.000-07:00

Targeted marketing
When it comes time for an automobile manufacturer to name a new model, there are a few sets of names from which to choose. Some models are named after animals. Some are named with macho-sounding sequences of consonants and numbers. And some are named after positive human qualities. I have a theory about the last group that I've been scientifically developing while driving around the bay area. Simply put, the people who purchase a car named after such a trait do not possess the trait themselves. This explains the Acura Vigor whose driver can barely accelerate through an intersection when the light turns green. This explains the Dodge Intrepid that is paralyzed with fear at the prospect of merging onto the freeway and so attempts it at 35 mph. This explains the Ford Explorer that never ventures further than the local grocery store. And this explains the Lincoln Navigator that is making his third U-turn because he's missed his exit once again.

I think that the manufacturers should take advantage of this phenomenon to make a series of cars for very targeted (but lucrative) markets. They are a little less subtle than the examples given above, so they should make quite an impact.

For the elderly...

For the overweight...

For the bald...

For just about everybody...

2002-09-27T19:05:00.000-07:00

Bugzilla?
I suppose being invaded by state-sized flying insects does constitute a health issue.

2002-09-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

It's all about love
Dave and I finally got around to watching the premiere of Survivor that has been sitting our our Tivo since Thursday. The experience was affected somewhat by the recent reports that contestant Brian Heidik, who is represented as a used car salesman on the show, has a history of involvement in soft porn. In short, this knowledge presented a whole different perspective on the question and answer session with the host, Jeff Probst, during the first tribal council.

Jeff: "Brian. In your profession as a used car salesman, do you have an advantage, do you think, in assimilating with strangers?"

Brian: "No. If you judge people by the surface, or just by sheer looks, then you're a very shallow person in the first place, so you've got to go a lot deeper than that and really get to know people, and it's just... it's all about love. So it's a beautiful thing, once you get to know everyone and not judge the book by its cover. It's very important. Very important."

2002-09-20T23:05:00.000-07:00

They really do review everything!
There are two possibilities for this headline at CNN.com. Either no one really thought it through, or somebody did think it through, but put it up anyway. I'm hoping for the latter.
Review: 'Banger Sisters' enjoyable romp

2002-09-20T23:00:00.000-07:00

Prophetic?
Some output from ShowtimesToGo, the Palm application that I use to grab movie times and descriptions...
4.8% Querying IMDb for Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever... [Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)] no plot found

2002-09-20T17:02:00.000-07:00

Candid photography
The good folks at CNN.com managed to capture Bush arguing with the little devil that suddenly appeared over his left shoulder.

With images like these, I may find myself wooed away from the antics at ABCNews.com

2002-09-17T16:02:00.000-07:00

Boozing for health
New Dutch research shows that middle-aged women who consume moderate amounts of beer increase their HDL-cholesterol levels. (HDL is the "good cholesterol" that actually reduces the likelihood of heart attacks.) These fun-loving Dutch researchers have defined "moderate" for women as three beers per day. Boring American researchers always define "moderate" as one beer per day for women.

This does me wonder. Were the health benefits due to the actual alcohol consumption? Or to the activities that ensued? I've always found that dancing on a table with a lampshade on my head is a very aerobic activity.

2002-09-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

Problem solving
Should I be worried?

2002-09-11T16:05:00.000-07:00

Worst movie trailer ever?
You decide. The Isle.

2002-09-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

Hold the presses!
According to some unsolicited email I just received... terrorism can be deadly! I can tell it's serious, because the subject line uses lots of CAPITAL LETTERS.

Attn: Terrorism can be deadly! PROTECT YOUR LIFE!32594

Thank God for spam!

2002-09-09T18:18:00.000-07:00

The Royal Reed Dance
My favorite line from today's news...

Dressed in beads and colored skirts or loin cloths, the girls danced and sang songs in praise of their king and sexual abstinence.

I can only imagine what a song in praise of a king and sexual abstinence might sound like....
Long live His Majesty, Up with chastity!
or
On the advice of good King Zwelithini, I am going to keep on my bikini
or
King Zwelithini has been bucking For us to refrain from
Okay, this is getting out of hand.

2002-09-06T14:24:00.000-07:00

Kate Bosworth Naked?
I don't have quite the traffic yet to compete with Blake, Dave, or even Chris (however inadvertently) on search engine prowess. Despite this, I still find it entertaining to look at my Extreme Tracking results. According to the recent data, the following words have all been used in search engine queries to reach my page. Additionally, they have all been used the same number of times, which suggests to me that they might have been used together.

drunk
fat
hyatt
stupid

I tried out this combination on Google, and my blog is, in fact, the first search result returned.

Becblog, the definitive source for all of your fat, drunk, and stupid Hyatt needs.